This is a blog that quite simply lists my insane responses to random emails. All replies to the original emails are under "comments" under each email.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Kindly call me immediately

PHILIP WONYANE
23B GATEWAY AVENUE GAUTENG
JOHANNESBURG
SOUTH AFRICA
CELL:+27-73-6373-227
Reply to filpwon@yahoo.co.in

Dear sir,

I am Mr Philip Wonyane, the son of late Mr John Wonyane, who was murdered in a land dispute in ZIMBABWE.I got your contact during my search for reliable&compitent foreigner to handle a confidential financial transaction, then I decided to write you. My late father was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the agent of the ruling government of President ROBERT MUGABE for his alleged support and sympathy for Zimbabwean opposition party. Before the death of my father, he took me to South Africa to deposit the sum of Twelve million US Dollars($12m) with a security and finance company, as if he knew the looming danger in Zimbabwe. The money was deposited as a gem/precious stone to avoid much dumourage from the security firm.This money was earmarked for the purchase of new machinery and chemicals for the farms and theestablishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland.

This land problem arose when President R. MUGABE introduced a new land Act. which wholly affects the White rich farmers and some few blacks vehemently condemned the 'Modus Operandi' adopted by the government. This resulted to rampant killing and mob actions.

I and my family who are currently staying in South Africa as refugees or asylum seekers have decided to enter your name as foreigner/beneficiary of the Trunck Cases containing the Cash (USD12M) for futher transfer of the money to a foreign country where we can invest it. I am faced with the dilemma of claiming/investing this amount of money in South Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in future since both countries have the same political history. Moreover, the South African monetary policy/lawdoes not allow such investment hence I am seeking for an asylum or refugee.

I must let you know that this business is 100% risk free and the nature of your business does not necessary matter,you need not to spend any amount of money but you only have to reply if you are tust worthy ,reliable and the account provided account by you has to be valid and capable of receiving the amount without any problem for us because we have really had enough .

So if you are willing to assist usclaim the ownership of this money,I and my family have agreed to give you 20% of the total money, 40% will be for a joint business venture I will be doing with you and another 35% will be for me and my family which we shall also invest in your country and the remaining 5% will be mapped out for all expenses we may incure during the transaction.

Therefor, if you are willing and interested to render the needed assistance. Please funish me your private phone and Fax number for easy and better communication. Remember that this is highly confidential and the success of this business depends on how secret it is kept.For security reasons kindly reply to filipwon@yahoo.co.in

Expecting your reply soonest.

Best Regard.

Philip Wonyanefilipwon@yahoo.co.in

3 Comments:

Blogger Todd Lemieux said...

Dear Philip,

I am sorry to hear about the death of John Wayne. Such an American Icon is sure to be missed for years to come. It is funny that I didn't see mention of it on the CBS news with Walter Cronkite.

I am pleased to hear that I am on a list of reliable and competent foreigners since I am a citizen of this country. I have tried to a long time to get on that list since the incident with the whale, the bear, and that clown. Please don't bring it up as I paid lawyers a lot of money to get my record expunged in that situation.

It sounds to me as if John Wayne was a slum lord who didn't like the fact that the president demanded equal housing for the poor. I don't know if I can help you in this enterprise, but I have forwarded some emails of some individuals who might be able to help you in your endeavor:

1. Donald Trump: KingDonald@combover.com
2. Ted Turner: Teddy@ihatejane.org
3. Bill Gates: Billy@dieappledie.com
4. Bud Selig: Buddy@noroids.net
5. Chris Rock: Christopher@iscreweduptheoscars.biz

If I can help you, then I will, as it seems to me you have a ton of money to burn. I only communicate by email as I do not own a phone. The government here has been known to tap them and especially those "funish" numbers you referred to. My email is secure as I use a robot named "Arthur" to protect me from viruses and government trackers. He looks like Dudley Moore and drinks constantly, but the government hasn't knocked on my door yet, so who can argue with success?

Please email me back if we can do business and let me know how to proceed.

Thanks!

Todd Lemieux

4:19 PM

 
Blogger Todd Lemieux said...

Dear Sir,

I received your mail with joy and gladness. I appreciate your
willingness to assist my family in this critical moment.

I have just gotten a very safe and secure mean to move our fund out of
the Country through the help of a lawyer that promised us that if we
can get someone abraod that can stand for us as a beneficiary because we
can not stand as a beneficiary due to our present status as a refugee
and I really want to seize the opportunity to move our fund to safety,
that is why I began searching for a trustworthy and reliable business
man to assist.

I am not very vast with business,my father have been involved in
farming for a long period of time before we had a problem late last year due
to the land reform laws in our Country Zimbabwe.

I am very happy to be in contact with you and I assure you that you
will not regret knowing our family, and we shall hugely compensate you in
negotiable percentage.

I believe in trust and humility and I want you to know that my family
is willing to entrust you and we do not want you to take advantage of
our situation and let us down.

Note that am 22 yrs and my sister is 18 yrs while my mother is 42
yrs,After the money is transfer to you,you will help us to invest it in a
profitable investment and you will manage it for us because my sister and
i will continue our education in your country and my mother can not
manage any investment because she's sick of stroke due to the stress she's
facing as a refugee.

Please kindly stand for us as a father. I need you to reply me this
mail immediately and send me your full details, I also would like for you
to give me a brief history about your self, Are you married? How many
children do you have and age?, how long have you been in Business and
what type of business are you involved in? so that we can invest our
money in that area of your business, can your account hold our family’s
fund without any problems?.

Kindly get back to me immediately. As soon as I hear from you, I will
ask my lawyer to contact you with better explanation and information on
how he would move the fund to you,and please this transaction need to
be kept secret so that know one will divert our money during transfer.

Hoping to hear from you soonest.

philip[ for the family]

4:21 PM

 
Blogger Todd Lemieux said...

Philip,

So you want me to be your daddy?

I hope that your "safe and secure mean" to move the money out of the country doesn't involve old statues. That idea was used in the movie "True Lies" and I am sure that the government will be able to track it. I also realize that the likelihood of me standing in as your father from Zimbabwe is about as likely as you claiming to know my good friend, Indiana Jones.

I have been vast with business for some time. Some people say I am too vast, but that might be because of the shoes that I wear and my diet of suet and bean curds.

Please tell your lawyer to contact me. My account can hold up to one trillion dollars because it is tax season here in the United States and everyone is too busy paying attention to the killer bees.

I am a man, 56 years old with 24 children by my 3 wives. I live in south Utah where I run a telemarketing company with my family that tries to encourage others to invest in financial plans in Africa. So far, we have had little success. However, with the influx of the type of cash that you are talking about , I can retire to Mexico or some country in South America. That is a wonderful investment on your part as you get to see your money hard at work in the great American Dream!

Please have your lawyers email me so that I can draw up the papers to make this dream a reality.

Sincerely,

Todd Lemieux

4:22 PM

 

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